With the good name of British journalism currently hanging in the balance, by which I mean “everyone is realising that it’s as wantonly venal as we always suspected”, Twohundredpercent leaps to its aid with its inaugural – and probably last – Puzzle Page. Can you match the intercepted telephone statement to the player? You can win a prize!*

Dotmund, professional idiot, is our man with the plan. Should anyone hack his phone on the back of this they’ll discover 2 text messages and £7.54 PAYG credit.

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* There is no prize. Repeat: no prize.