Good evening, night owls! It’s two o’clock in the morning and time for an assortment of drunk, middle-aged men to bring you all the latest goings on from this evening’s match between Côte d’Ivoire and Japan. So, pour yourselves a very strong cup of coffee and sit back to enjoy some very, very, very late night football with us.

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Rob June 15, 20143:57 am

Night all.

Mark June 15, 20143:56 am

And as the dawn chorus begins in suburban Surrey, it becomes clear that Japan won’t get that “one more chance” even though Ya Konan has been down injured for nearly half the four minutes. And there goes the whistle. All sorted in three second-half minutes. And Gary Bloom is STILL linking the wholly un-involved Drogba to these events. And now Hoddle’s doing the same. F*****g starstruck! I’d tell you what Ian Wright thinks. But you don’t give a **** either, do you? (Yet an)other good game. TTFN

Mark June 15, 20143:49 am

Drogba uses “all his guile” to keep possession by the corner flag. He wastes four seconds. Four minutes stoppage time.

Mark June 15, 20143:45 am

A Japanese player is kicked in the head in the penalty area and almost no-one appeals. Everyone’s getting tired I suppose.

Mark June 15, 20143:43 am

It really is all Drogba now as he is “curiously unmarked” before his left-foot shot is deflected wide.

Mark June 15, 20143:40 am

Drogba actually makes a contribution. Cleverly – legitimately -wins a free-kick and forces a decent save out of Kawashima with it. Eight minutes left, Are Japan to have that “one more chance” which usually gets cited at this time?

Kev June 15, 20143:40 am

Ian has left the building.

Mark June 15, 20143:36 am

Yaya Toure fires a shot 26 yards wide. Drogba isn’t mentioned. That’s closer to irony than the stuff about knee injuries.

Paul Jones June 15, 20143:33 am

Was there rain on his wedding day..??

Mark June 15, 20143:32 am

CIV substitute Constant Diakoa missed the 2010 World Cup with a knee injury, which is ironic as he is replacing Boka who has “the same complaint.” And that is ironic how???

Mark June 15, 20143:28 am

Of course. And he has just said “Ivory Coast.” Blatter will be furious. Good.

Rob June 15, 20143:27 am

Did Bloom just suggest that the number six bus has no assists at the World Cup?

Mark June 15, 20143:26 am

Still no 0-0, although after only eight games that’s not (yet) too remarkable. Especially as its Switzerland Honduras tomorrow..eeek…later today

Mark June 15, 20143:24 am

Another Aurier cross and Gervinho heads it through the keeper and into the net. All since Drogba came on. Whatta guy!!!!

Paul Jones June 15, 20143:24 am


Rob June 15, 20143:23 am

Even Gervinho has scored, its now 2-1.

Mark June 15, 20143:22 am

CIV see that Drogba is about to come on…so they keep possession for about two minutes, just to annoy him – Kalou predictably bringing that little collective cameo to an end. DRogba immediately sets up a chance for Gervinho, who nouses it up. Plus ca change…until Aurier puts in a cross so good even Bony can’t clear it. 1-1. All DRogba’s doing of course. And Blom is actually trying to credit him. FFS

Paul Jones June 15, 20143:22 am

The Coast Of Ivory are level and I am one goal from going to bed twenty-five quid richer tonight…!!

Kev June 15, 20143:22 am

Oh, Japan!

Ian June 15, 20143:22 am


Rob June 15, 20143:22 am

The Coat Div Wire have been a different side since Drogba came on.

Paul Jones June 15, 20143:22 am

Bony MMMMM…!!

Rob June 15, 20143:16 am

ITV are using the commentary for the world feed, and with the absence of a former pro stating the obvious, its ITVs best commentary ever.

Mark June 15, 20143:15 am

And speaking of Tottenham nightmares, Didier Zakora has just picked up his compulsory yellow card…

Mark June 15, 20143:13 am

Barry Daines. More nightmare flashbacks to 1970s Tottenham. Meanwhile, Japan substitute Yasuhito Endo replaces captain Makoto Hasebe, and becomes captain himself. And, yes, Bloom just said “and Honda drives it in.”

Ian June 15, 20143:08 am

Yes, that is a thing that can be done.

Paul Jones June 15, 20143:08 am

Ivory Coast’s goalkeeper is called Barry… I think he might be the first goalkeeping Barry since Barry Daines…

Rob June 15, 20143:06 am

Can you not change them to Japanese trim pink?

Mark June 15, 20143:06 am

Gary Bloom says that his Cote D’Ivoire references are “a request from FIFA.” If FIFA requested that from me I’d call them Blatter’s Bumfluff under-9s…and in French if it sounded funnier. Speaking of laughably pathetic, Bony has just headed three yards wide from six yards. Almost as if they are doing it deliberately…

Ian June 15, 20143:05 am

We have LED lights here that you control through a mobile phone app. You can change them to any colour you like. They’re kind of UV purple at the moment.

Rob June 15, 20143:01 am

We’ve just turned the lights off.

Paul Jones June 15, 20143:01 am

We have made the decision to shut the curtains… I’m forty next year… my days of watching the sun rise should be long gone…

Terry June 15, 20142:57 am

Stephen Fry follows me. I doubt he knows why.

Rob June 15, 20142:55 am

Trevor out of Trevor & Simon and someone out of the Bill follow me. Oh and Russell Osman. Famous footballer, and movie star.

Rob June 15, 20142:53 am

MARFRIG do processed meat. Hello, I am sober, by the way.

Kev June 15, 20142:53 am

I’m having enough trouble with that “Brasil, Brasil” jingle, Mark.

Paul Jones June 15, 20142:53 am

Tim Burgess of The Charlatans followed me for twelve minutes before clearly realising I wasn’t who he initially thought… I almost wish he hadn’t bothered…

Ian June 15, 20142:51 am

So, theres a football match going on, yo? Don’t make me listen to ITV.

(as an aside, Ian Wright is by a country mile the most famous person who follows me on Twitter. I can’t imagine that he reads anything that I say, though.)

Mark June 15, 20142:49 am

Half-time 1-0. And that “Sportsyapper” ad is REALLY getting on my ******g nerves.

Ian June 15, 20142:48 am

Look, I posted a tweet last night about Yingli Solar and they replied to me. They make solar panels.

Mark June 15, 20142:46 am

More good work by Boka destroyed by primary school finishing, Salomon Kalou giving Chelsea fans the old nightmares with what would have been a fine defensive header..if he’d been defending. Oh, and “Marfrig” is what Boka is saying to himself RIGHT now.

Paul Jones June 15, 20142:45 am

Anyone know what this advertising hoarding ‘MARFRIG’ means?… it sounds slightly incestual…

Mark June 15, 20142:41 am

Wilfried Bony wouldn’t have got a Swansea contract on the basis of a display like this. I sense Didier Drogba is laughing inside, thinking: “You need me after all…”

Terry June 15, 20142:39 am

I note that the Ivory Coast band had no trouble getting in. Here’s hoping the England band are at home watching this and seething.

Ian June 15, 20142:37 am

Also, the chucking in of floaters.

Mark June 15, 20142:36 am

And Boka’s just hit a 30-yarder that I didn’t even see, it moved so fast.

Kev June 15, 20142:36 am

They could do with varying the band a bit. Vaguely menacing.

Mark June 15, 20142:34 am

Arthur Boka inches over with a free-kick. Japan keeper Fiji Kawashima pretends he left it but he was beaten the proverbial all ends up if that had snuck under the bar. Oh, and good morning Mr King.

Ian June 15, 20142:34 am

Jonesy! You’re doing a sterling job!

So, what’s going on here? I really like the way Japan play football, love that high tempo thing they’ve got going on.

Paul Jones June 15, 20142:33 am

You have missed a cracking start to the match… Japan are really motoring…

Paul Jones June 15, 20142:32 am

Good evening, Mr King.

Ian June 15, 20142:31 am

(Sorry I’m late, by the way)

Ian June 15, 20142:31 am

Alright, you bastards? I’m hammered.

Mark June 15, 20142:31 am

The switch has been flicked on this match by the goal. All of a sudden it isn’t hard to stay awake. A contrast of REAL style. Power against passing. 1-0 to passing at the minute. Possibly not for long. Journalist Nick Harris just tweeted that “Japan are motoring.” He’s MUCH better than that. Honest.

Mark June 15, 20142:22 am

Bloom suggesting that CIV are missing Kolo Toure. Yes, they are defending THAT badly…

Mark June 15, 20142:20 am

The THE Cote Divorians, perhaps? Keisuke Honda lost Yaya Toure a little easily there. Toure obviously not on 200 grand THIS week.

Paul Jones June 15, 20142:17 am

That was a cracking strike, even the Cote D’Ivorians are applauding…

Paul Jones June 15, 20142:16 am

Vroom vroom… HONDA..!!

Mark June 15, 20142:15 am

Chiek Tiote waits until the 14th minute for his first clattering foul. On his Sunday best behaviour, then.

Paul Jones June 15, 20142:14 am

Is this a growing trend, that of commentators referring to countries’ names in their native language, I wonder… and if so, can we look forward to Helvetica vs Hrvatska later in the tournament, perhaps..?

Mark June 15, 20142:07 am

CIV’s Serge Aurier pings in a cross into “Didier Drogba” territory, which must be ; six-yard box, half-a-yard offside.

Mark June 15, 20142:03 am

Gary Bloom seems determined to say Cote D’Ivoire rather than Ivory Coast…or rather THE Cote D’Ivoire. No co-commentator either. Like the good old days…

Paul Jones June 15, 20141:57 am

Five minutes until kick off, and usually this would be the time to mock other countries’ national anthems, but frankly I am far too tired… that said, even I know the banner that boasts ‘1000% Elephants’ is mathematically improbable…

Mark June 15, 20141:56 am

My money is,.,in my pocket and it is staying there, although if I was betting, I wouldn’t be reliant on Ian Wright’s incisive analysis. Cote D’Ivoire to win. And, yes, goals.

Paul Jones June 15, 20141:21 am

Me? I can’t call it… but evens money says there will be three goals or more, and that seems like value to me…

Paul Jones June 15, 20141:20 am

…and now, three nights and seven games into the 2014 World Cup, here is the big one… Ivory Coast vs Japan… where’s your money…!?

Paul Jones June 15, 20141:18 am

Two and a half very good games tonight so far, I reckon… sure, Colombia/Greece was a little one-sided, but we’ve been treated to goals nevertheless…and anyone who claims they saw the Costa Rica result coming is a big fat liar…

Paul Jones June 15, 20141:16 am

Having said that, with forty-five minutes yet to pass until kick-off, perhaps I’d be better advised not to get too cocky that the dog and I are the only two still awake in the house…

Paul Jones June 15, 20141:13 am

Cigar; check… glass of port; check… lightweight England fan crashed out on my floor; check… let’s go…