Euro 2016: Russia vs Slovakia… Live!

by | Jun 15, 2016

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Edward June 15, 20161:42 pm

Welcome one and all, soccer-lovers and war re-enactment buffs alike, to Russia v. Slovakia from Lille. It has been an ignominious beginning for the 2018 World Cup hosts and, indeed, were UEFA’s threats of expulsion not as hollow and full of hot air as Phillias Fogg’s fucking dirigible, in a certain contingency this could prove to be their last match at the tournament.

Both teams are in need of a win. Slovakia played reasonably against Wales in what was a thoroughly entertaining match but emerged with nothing, their goalkeeper looking particularly suspect. Russia, on the other hand, were lucky to come away with a point against England: Joe Hart, Adam Lallana et al so busy dreaming about all the lovely unguents, lotions and balms they were about to use at bathtime that they let their focus drift from the matter at hand.

Then again, given the animalistic behaviour of some of the Russian support on that night in Marseille, just escaping the stadium intact represents a small victory. Were the Russian squad as motivated or well-drilled as the hooligan expeditionary force that have been sent in to France, things could be different. Still, everyone is there; they are all in their kit and there’s a referee and everything… so maybe we’ll be lucky and a football match will break out. Worst case scenario, Vladimir Putin spends his next presser explaining patiently to an expectant world that yes, France was always historically part of Russia.

The teams:

CCCP Akinfeev, Smolnikov, Berezutski, Ignashevich, Shennikov, Golovin, Neustadter, Kokorin, Shatov, Smolov, Dzyuba.

SLOVAKIA Kozacik, Pekarik, Skrtel, Durica, Hubocan, Kucka, Pecovsky, Hamsik, Mak, Duda, Weiss

Edward June 15, 20161:59 pm

I have a can of Irn Bru, which, I am ashamed to say, I have never had before. This will be an experience for us all to share.

Edward June 15, 20162:02 pm

The roof being closed on this stadium makes it look like a night match, which is very disconcerting. And that’s before you even consider the logistics of putting a lid on the saucepan full of Russian supporters.

They’ve kicked off by the way, Slovakia are the team in the white.

Edward June 15, 20162:03 pm

Leonid Slutsky, the Russia manager, shown properly pilling out. On a right one.

Edward June 15, 20162:04 pm

Right, come on, let’s concentrate.

Edward June 15, 20162:05 pm

Guy Mowbray informs me that there is no Orthodox striker on the Slovakian team. Is this religious profiling?

Edward June 15, 20162:05 pm

Unless he meant “orthodox striker”.

Edward June 15, 20162:06 pm

Rather than, or as opposed to “Orthodox striker”.

George Young June 15, 20162:07 pm

A Slovene referee for a Slovakia match. Fun fact: so much post is miss-delivered to these countries that their embassy staff meet monthly to exchange the letters which have been delivered to the wrong country. Wonder what they do with the emails.

Edward June 15, 20162:07 pm

When you think about this, none of this really matters, does it? The match, I mean.

George Young June 15, 20162:08 pm

Presumably the Russians probably have at least 1 Orthodox striker?

Edward June 15, 20162:09 pm

Football really isn’t as ubiquitous a cultural phenomenon as the mastermind propagandists at Football Inc. may have caused you to believe it to be.

Edward June 15, 20162:10 pm

Is what I mean. Pan the camera out over the entire city, even in that locality, so many other things going on, even at the epicentre.

Edward June 15, 20162:10 pm

I’m essentially bringing particle physics in as an analytical tool for football

George Young June 15, 20162:11 pm

Context & perspective have no place in the modern game.

Edward June 15, 20162:14 pm

Fuck all’s happened, by the way.

Edward June 15, 20162:15 pm

Adiaga! Adiaga two! Badiaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

Edward June 15, 20162:15 pm

And they’ll all be signing autographs!

Edward June 15, 20162:17 pm

I tell you what I think, on balance, my favourite comedy series of all time is.

Edward June 15, 20162:18 pm

Hancock’s Half Hour. The radio ones, in particular. But the TV ones have grown on me, lately. I think they’re a real early gem.

Edward June 15, 20162:19 pm

This Irn Bru is slipping down just nice, by the way.

Edward June 15, 20162:20 pm

Like, 20 minutes gone, fuck all. Honestly. Might as well not even have bothered.

Edward June 15, 20162:26 pm

This lad Roman Neustadter, who plays for Russia. He’s an interesting case. He was born in Dnipropetrovsk, Ukraine to German parents and he plays for Russia since, as he was born in 1988 and therefore the breakup of the Soviet Union, there was that extraordinarily fluid period of horsetrading and fudges, with regard to international eligibility. He plays for Russia now, as he’s now started a competitive match for them. But he has two caps for Germany, too. Both friendlies, obviously.

Edward June 15, 20162:27 pm

And he got a sweet ass, like a ripe apricot

Edward June 15, 20162:27 pm

And twice as hairy

Edward June 15, 20162:27 pm

I’m right in thinking apricots have a down? Yes? I’ll check.

Edward June 15, 20162:28 pm

Yeah, there’s a definite burnish of a fine down there.

Edward June 15, 20162:31 pm

I think, on balance, Roman Neustadter’s hair in this is my favourite hairstyle ever

Edward June 15, 20162:32 pm

It’s like I imagine Limahl’s pubes would be.

You know, I once asked Limahl if he would show me his pubes, but, and I’ll leave that one with you.

Edward June 15, 20162:32 pm

Oh, someone’s scored. Slovakia.

Edward June 15, 20162:33 pm

They are celebrating most fulsomely. As if they have some sort of preexisting beef with their opponents.

Edward June 15, 20162:35 pm

Vladimir Weiss had the ball just bop up to him unopposed about eight yards out, steps inside the full back and beats the keeper. Is what has happened there. Mark Lawrenson was exasperated by that defending. One of those moments where he briefly forgets his “grumpy man who hates to get paid to do this” persona.

Edward June 15, 20162:35 pm

Hang on, I have to top up the dog’s water bowl.

George Young June 15, 20162:36 pm

Weiss’ turn was lovely, accented by the formation dancing of the two Russian defenders charged with marking him.

Edward June 15, 20162:37 pm

Right, he’s happy. Still 1-0 to Slovakia. What do they call Slovakia in Slovakia, by the way? I’ll check.

Edward June 15, 20162:39 pm

Slovensko, is the answer. Or Slovenska republika, in its official form.

Edward June 15, 20162:40 pm

I like that, Slovensko. Good on em.

Edward June 15, 20162:41 pm

Although it does sound like the kind of company is clearly known around the local area to be a mafia front. Slovenz Co.

Edward June 15, 20162:42 pm

What do they do, this company? Nothing. It’s so well known and widely accepted it’s a mafia front that they literally just do mafia stuff. No pretence. Everyone’s in on it. Even their MP knows.

Edward June 15, 20162:43 pm

Hang on, where was I? Look, they’ve played like, 42 minutes?

Edward June 15, 20162:45 pm

I’m actually streaming this so I’m slightly behind you, probably. And for that I apologise. But unless you are willing to come here and put a TV arial on the roof of our building, or pay someone who will do it for me, you getting nothing.

Edward June 15, 20162:45 pm

Ain’t nuttin’ of my fine, plump, juicy, tight ass. Sweet ass.

Edward June 15, 20162:45 pm


Edward June 15, 20162:46 pm

Marek Hamsik! Slovakia two up! Wheeee.

Edward June 15, 20162:46 pm

Leonid Slutsky just went a colour, I can’t describe it but I will find you its hex code if you give me a second.

Edward June 15, 20162:47 pm

Oh, apparently Hamsik played Weiss in for the first goal, too. So he’s having something of a day.

Edward June 15, 20162:48 pm

It’s Tuesday. No, scratch that

Edward June 15, 20162:49 pm

It’s Wednesday. Is it Wednesday? Yes, it is Wednesday. But it is clearly not Ash Wednesday. Because Dan Walker is presenting for the BBC.

Edward June 15, 20162:50 pm

Edward June 15, 20162:53 pm

I’m actually not concentrating, I’m going to have to go to the BBC website to watch the goals. Blimey. There’s me calling Dan Walker out. At least he is a throughly capable, diligent, professional sports presenter.

He’s still a lickspittle, though.

And he supports Crawley Town.

Edward June 15, 20162:57 pm

I’ve uncovered a scandal. They sent Jason Mohammed to the Wales camp for their pre-match build up. Jason “has Welsh and microphone” Mohammed, makes sense. Fair enough. But visiting the England camp? Gabby Logan. Gabby fucking Logan. Formerly Gabby Yorath, of course. Welsh woman. Daughter of a Welsh international footballer. Married to a Scottish rugby union international. Represented Wales in the Rhythmic Gymnastics at the 1990 Commonweath Games.

And yet the BBC – a PUBLICLY FUNDED organisation, mind you – send this Trojan fucking horse out after our players.

Edward June 15, 20162:57 pm

It’s like taking Lee Harvey Oswald on a tour of the Oval Office.

Edward June 15, 20162:57 pm

Not that I consider Gabby Logan to be similar to Lee Harvey Oswald in any way, I want to stress this.

Edward June 15, 20162:59 pm

I quite like Gabby Logan as another impossibly professional and polished sports TV presenter. If anything, I think she is being under-used, in fact.

Edward June 15, 20163:01 pm

Query. Are the BBC presenting from a studio in London with a huge live-action backdrop of Paris, designed to make it look like they’re in Paris, but they’re not in Paris because they’re skint? If anyone knows for sure, please do feel free to hit me up on Twitter ( with the answer.

Edward June 15, 20163:01 pm

All dick pics will be RTed

Edward June 15, 20163:02 pm

And screenshotted. And reported to Twitter, too. I’m not an animal.

Edward June 15, 20163:02 pm

Second half is kicking off now. Slovakia still 2-0 up, thanks to nothing further having happened during the break.

Edward June 15, 20163:07 pm

There’ll be no tapestry today. Probably no more, period, although never say never. It was making me miserable and making watching the Euros a real misery. So I chose my mental well-being, which I hope anyone who is too disappointed will accept as a decent enough excuse. I feel bad in one way, but relieved in another. And it really wasn’t in any way financially viable. Unless it had been picked up by someone willing to pay for it. God, that sounds awful, doesn’t it. Mercenary. But that’s the way it is, ultimately, isn’t it? Let’s be pragmatic.

Edward June 15, 20163:08 pm

Let’s stop being pragmatic, and watch some football. Also, I remembered I promised a hex code of the colour Leonid Slutsky went after Slovakia’s second goal, so I will get that now

Edward June 15, 20163:08 pm

I feel like I should have Gordon the Gopher with me.

Edward June 15, 20163:10 pm

It is e3276e. So, check that out. Smokey Bacon.

Edward June 15, 20163:10 pm

e3276e is probably also the ingredient that makes smokey bacon crisps taste of smokey bacon.

Edward June 15, 20163:13 pm

I tell you what, though, I’m fucking glad Russia are losing. Good. Fucking Russia. You know, the system of Russia, not the bulk of its people. Ain’t that the truth, though. It’s always those bellicose few ruining it for everyone?

Edward June 15, 20163:15 pm

Honestly, fucking Brexit. What a heap of shit. Anyone who votes to for the country they live in to not be in the European Union any more oughtn’t to be trusted. That is the same as saying that if you had the power to vote people IN to the EU, you’d only do it to a country you hated. And aren’t we all glad that no-one is likely to give *YOU* that power.

Edward June 15, 20163:17 pm

There’s a reason that the people who rise to the top of this fetid pyramid are always the more moderate and prone to expedient acts, you know. It’s to protect us from proper fucking nutters, like you.

“Nigel Farage, Iain Duncan Smith and Boris Johnson ‘moderate’, you say?”. Fucking right I do. And I want you to think about how fucking terrifying THAT is. Vote Remain, is your take home portion from this segment.

Edward June 15, 20163:17 pm

Anyway, 60 minutes played, Slovakia 2-0 ahead.

Edward June 15, 20163:19 pm

Blimey, I went a bit “Hughie Green’s speech” there.

George Young June 15, 20163:20 pm

*wild applause from watching crowd*

Edward June 15, 20163:21 pm

John Bluthal’s impression of Hughie Green though. Unforgettable. All-conquering. I absolutely dare you to claim that him doing Hughie Green is not what you think of when you think about Hughie Green.

And I mean that most sincerely folks.

Edward June 15, 20163:22 pm

John Bluthal is still with us, by the way. A real treasure of a comedy actor, a real part of my life, you know? Born in the Czech Republic, actually. So there’s some small relevance to today’s game.

Edward June 15, 20163:23 pm

Russia are doing a bit of shooting now, for the first real time. Since Ukraine, anyway.

Edward June 15, 20163:24 pm

Honestly, fucking Putin. God, he’s a one. You could almost warm to him if he weren’t so clearly malign.

Edward June 15, 20163:25 pm


Edward June 15, 20163:25 pm

More power to his elbow.

Edward June 15, 20163:29 pm

I need to concentrate on the football, actually. Ian always very firmly stipulates that you should keep within strict pc guidelines. And I agree with him. Obviously, whether the extent to which we perceive the broadness or otherwise of those guidelines is similar or not, I don’t know. He may currently be sat at work looking at the screen and doing this:

Edward June 15, 20163:29 pm

Still, I’ve not HEARD anything, so it’s probably fine.

Edward June 15, 20163:30 pm

Actually, Anger from Inside Out there looks a bit like Ian. He doesn’t remind me of Ian, by the way. Ian is a great bumbling jolly lug, or at least more than you might think from reading the site.

Edward June 15, 20163:31 pm

Looks a bit like him. Powerful eyebrows. And covered in fuzz.

Edward June 15, 20163:32 pm

Russian fans are sat in the stands looking utterly bereft. Never mind, there’s always Donetsk 2019.

Yeah, it’s not a football tournament, but still.

Edward June 15, 20163:33 pm

Blimey, Roman Shirokov is a handsome looking chap. Something of the classical to his features. He looks like a bronze bust of an urgent young Caesar.

Edward June 15, 20163:37 pm

Christ, I nearly had a set to on Facebook today, but I pulled my punches. That is to say, I didn’t get involved in the first place. Actually, it was Ian’s mother-in-law’s account. She lives in Florida and was posting some very sensible sentiments about the ease of purchasing assault rifles in the US. Some friend – or Facebook friend, you know the sort – said “actually, the AR15 isn’t techically an assault rifle…”.

Fucking hell. Sort yourself out, America. You are becoming worse that a laughing stock. You’re the bully you’re still too scared to make fun of, even when he’s fallen in the muddy puddle, or had his money taken. And that’s us saying this. The UK. The idiot country packed with gormless racists who are about to shoot their own grandchildren with a bullet of shit.

Edward June 15, 20163:37 pm

Right. So.

Edward June 15, 20163:39 pm

Russia scored. 1-2 now, ten minutes and change to play. Russia’s customary celebration, of course, is to let some flares off and duly some lunatic has smuggled one in up his arse. Slovakia have gone to bits all of a sudden.

Edward June 15, 20163:41 pm

Did you know, at Millennium Eve, Russia fired three missiles at Chechyna? I learnt this snippet of fact from the BBC World Service Witness podcast. Little 10 minute weekday things, they are. Really enjoying them.

The specific context was in a podcast about Y2K Bug preparation, by the way.

Edward June 15, 20163:41 pm

Slovakia have got everybody backia.

Edward June 15, 20163:43 pm

I’ve just realised I’m enjoying this enormously and don’t really want to stop. Not the match, particularly. Although that is actually getting pretty tense now. Slovakia need a little more courage right now.

Edward June 15, 20163:43 pm

It’s alright though, I’ll just carry on sending stuff to Ian

Edward June 15, 20163:44 pm

We’re doing the five o clock one, by the way. Switzerland v. Romania, fucking hell.

Edward June 15, 20163:48 pm

Anyway, we’re going to pretend to be famous TV commentators and co-commentators – analysts, colour men, whatever you want to call them – for 15 minute gobbets.

INCLUDING WITH OUR WIVES. I do not have a wife, strictly speaking. I could make the viewing figures go through the roof by proposing but I tell you what, if you think I’m as reckless as THAT then you obviously have never spent any time getting to know me at all.

And I think that’s sad. Because I’m not so bad. I mean, I’m broken, quite badly broken really. But in the way a recalled teddy bear is broken, rather than a vase. No real sharp edges, apart from the sharp edge that caused the teddy bear to be recalled in the first place. I’m a teddy bear that was subsequently recalled due to a sharp edge.

Edward June 15, 20163:48 pm

I have no idea if anyone is even reading this.

Edward June 15, 20163:49 pm

But anyway, it’s cheered me up. A lot, actually. I feel pretty good for the first time in a while.

Edward June 15, 20163:50 pm

Of course, sceptics might note that what is essentially a one-way conversation with yourself is what seems to make me happy, at a deep level. They may have a point. But you know, people are what they are. At a certain level, you just have to accept it.

Edward June 15, 20163:52 pm

Match has ended. Slutsky’s face is now a very deep, angry, blurple colour. Russia 1-2 Slovakia. A great result, and Slovakia bossed the majority of the game, Russia only started to play in the second half, and with less impact. England will have learned one or two things but shouldn’t be too unduly concerned.

Edward June 15, 20163:56 pm

Dan Walker is rounding up for “people who’ve just come in from work”. Who comes in from work at ten to four? Teaching Assistants probably don’t get back until at least 5 or 6. Nope. It’s prostitutes. Prostitutes and drug dealers, these are the only people who might conceivably be Just Getting In From Work at ten to four. Dan Walker. Dan.

Are they the people you really want to reach out to? Or maybe you do. You clever goose.

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ 41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.” MATTHEW 25:40-41

Edward June 15, 20163:57 pm

Anyway, 2-1 to Slovakia. That’s the bit that ultimately matters. I’ll be back for 5 p.m. and Switzzz zzzz

Ian June 15, 20164:13 pm

*Wanders in*

*Takes a look around*
*Shakes head sadly*