Euro 2016: Romania vs Switzerland… Live!

by | Jun 15, 2016

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Edward June 15, 20164:45 pm

Hello. Let’s be our spirit animal. For this afternoon’s live blog, Ian and I will be assuming the personality of a noted TV commentator or co-commentator in order to describe the action. We’ll be drawing a new pair of names out every 15 minutes or so, and will try to keep the relevant names in view. So as to AVOID CONFUSING YOU, THE READER.
Anyway, if there’s any reason not to be sad that another couple of hours of your life are about to ebb away, it is surely that you won’t have to sit through Switzerland v Romania again. It’s hard to get excited in the least, I’m honest enough to say. And I will admit, I am hoping that downplaying it so might hex it into life. It won’t now, though, will it? Or will it? No.

Or yes.

Team news me:

ROMANIA Tatarusanu, Sapunaru, Chiriches, Grigore, Rat, Prepelita, Pintilii, Torje, Stancu, Chipciu, Keseru.

SWITZERLAND Sommer, Lichsteiner, Schar, Djourou, Rodriguez, Behrami, Xhaka, Shaqiri, Dzemaili, Mehmedi, Sefarovic.

Mark June 15, 20164:50 pm

Evening all. From a 50-year-old man who FELL ASLEEP during the opening few minutes of Russia v Slovakia and decided after 31 minutes that “this is the first 0-0, and even if its not, I’m not bothering.” So. Believe EVERYTHING I type tonight. Every word.

Mark June 15, 20164:53 pm

Two comments from Edward’s marvellous coverage of Slovakia’s win. First, the Beeb MUST be in Paris, or else they’re flying Danny Murphy across the channel and back far too often for the good of our licence fee. And, vitally, there’s another key similarity between Gabby Logan and Lee Harvey Oswald. She wasn’t in the book depository either…BOOOM (with thanks to the late, great Bill Hicks).

Edward June 15, 20164:54 pm

Well, I have to say that Mr. Hicks and I have always differed on the Kennedy Assassination.

Ian June 15, 20164:57 pm

Good afternoon, all. Romania vs Switzerland, which I am certain is going to finish 7-6 to someone.

Edward June 15, 20164:58 pm

A reminder that the Romanian national anthem sounds EXACTLY like you imagined it would.

Edward June 15, 20164:59 pm

Anyway, time to draw our characters. For the next 15 minutes, Ian will be essaying the role of…BARRY DAVIES. I have drawn out… TREVOR BROOKING.

Ian June 15, 20165:01 pm

*Puts on tweed jacket*
*Sews leather elbow patches on*

Edward June 15, 20165:01 pm

Anyone else wanting to join in, I can draw out additional names. And I played for West Ham.

Mark June 15, 20165:01 pm

I’m confused. So Edward, you are saying Gabby Logan WAS in the book depository…? Oh, will someone end that McCoist/Kamara ad for sticking index fingers somewhere (I’ve not concentrated until the end of the ad yet). I have a feeling that Switzerland will win in style this evening. I am, however, on VERY strong pain killers…

Can I just be me? And can Andy Townsend be…QUIET???????????????????

Edward June 15, 20165:02 pm

Still, it’s a lovely day, perfect for a game of football.

Ian June 15, 20165:02 pm

I am not a good choice as commentator this afternoon, by the way. My son is having a screeching session and I can barely hear what’s actually going on in the stadium.

Like Barry Davies (presumably), I have been to Parc des Princes.

Edward June 15, 20165:03 pm

On one hand, I’m expecting Romania to win, but on the other hand, Switzerland for me.

Edward June 15, 20165:04 pm

I like this lad Seferovic, he’s got a lot of promise, but then that’s not to say that all players are equally as good. Or maybe even better. Or a bit worse.

Mark June 15, 20165:04 pm

I quite like Sam Matterface as a commentator but it is still disconcerting to hear him a day before Thursday and not on ITV4. Oh…and the only baby having a screeching session in my house is…me…

Edward June 15, 20165:04 pm

Haven’t both teams got colourful kits?

Edward June 15, 20165:06 pm

Everything is for the best, in this best of all possible worlds.

Ian June 15, 20165:07 pm

The national flag of Romania is a tricolor with vertical stripes. According to the Constitution of Romania, the colors are arranged vertically, in the following order from the flagpole: blue, yellow, red. These colours represent Liberty (sky-blue), Justice (field yellow) and Fraternity (blood red).

Edward June 15, 20165:07 pm

It’s a good flag, too, Barry. I like it as much as I like many other flags.

Ian June 15, 20165:08 pm

Tell us about that time you scored with a header for the only time in your career, Trevor.

Edward June 15, 20165:08 pm

Switzerland are keeping the ball, just like Ron Greenwood always used to preach.

Edward June 15, 20165:09 pm

Oh well, it’s famous now, but no I wasn’t that prolific with my head, on balance.

Ian June 15, 20165:09 pm

Well, I think the Switzerland goalkeeper’s gloves are rather unnecessary.

Mark June 15, 20165:09 pm

Seferovic “did all the hard work” with a neat turn in the box but shot as wide as you’d expect someone to who hasn’t scored this calendar year.

Edward June 15, 20165:10 pm

Certainly, in my day, goalkeepers didn’t get the protection they do now, Barry. Mervyn Day was made of stern stuff. But modern goalkeepers are good too.

Mark June 15, 20165:11 pm

Most commentators I know always sound at a higher pitch in their commentaries from years back. Andy Townsend sounds like his 2006 self tonight. Hope its not the onset of laryngitis. I really do…

Ian June 15, 20165:12 pm

(I’ve got one Barry Davies line in reserve, and it really needs a goal to be scored to be of any use)

Edward June 15, 20165:12 pm

Goalkeepers tend to punch the ball more now

Edward June 15, 20165:13 pm

(oh for fuck’s sake, Townsend JUST SAID THAT. Self-satirising, that’s what they are)

Edward June 15, 20165:15 pm

(By the way, I’m willing to bet I know Ian’s Barry Davies line. It will be “and you have to say it’s been coming” or suchlike.)

Ian June 15, 20165:15 pm

Have we had to conversation about when it went from being spelt “Rumania” to “Romania” yet? I know it was after the 1982 World Cup qualifying draw, because I’ve seen a photograph from that where it’s spelt that way.

Mark June 15, 20165:16 pm

Romania defending as if 0-0 won’t entirely louse up their tournament. Almost as if they know Seferovic is going to miss time and again…like that…

Ian June 15, 20165:16 pm

Goodness me, a disappointing finish from Shaqiri. Shot blocked by Tatarusanu’s legs.

Mark June 15, 20165:17 pm

If he aimed at the keeper’s bootlaces he couldn’t have hit them squarer.

Edward June 15, 20165:17 pm

I have drawn out new commentators. For the next 15 minutes, Ian is KENNETH WOLSTONHOLME and I am MARK BRIGHT.

Mark June 15, 20165:18 pm

(Another) penno for Romania. That was on the cards.

Ian June 15, 20165:18 pm

Wait, ah yes.

Hang on. Penalty to Romania. Shirt-tugging. It wasn’t like this in my day.

Edward June 15, 20165:18 pm

EEEEEEE

Mark June 15, 20165:19 pm

And Stanku doesn’t stink from the spot… Oh, come on, that’s WAY better than “Stank you very much” (Matterface).

Edward June 15, 20165:19 pm

EEEEEEEEEE MMMMnnnn GGGG GGOOOL GOAL! Great finish! Cool knewwhereHEWASGOINGTO Oh oh my

George Young June 15, 20165:20 pm

I don’t speak much German but I believe the Swiss commentator just shouted “WHAT WAS LICHTSTEINER DOING?” and then started 4 sentences without finsihing any (presumably trying not to swear) before giving up and shouting ARGH.

Tremendous stuff.

Edward June 15, 20165:20 pm

THEY’VE HAD TWO PENALTIES THIS TOURNAMENT, THEY’VE SCORED THEM BOTH, THAT’S A GOOD STRIKE RATE

Ian June 15, 20165:20 pm

Penalty converted by Stancu, about whom I was going to type “Stancu very much” at the very moment that Sammatterface (whose full name can only ever be pronouced as one word) said it. Sent the goalkeeper completely the wrong way. If he can turn on tricks like that, they ought to have him on the music hall, etc.

Edward June 15, 20165:20 pm

KENNETH TELL US ABOUT THE PAST KENNETH

Edward June 15, 20165:20 pm

God I’m excited

Edward June 15, 20165:21 pm

OH FEEL MY NIPPLES, FEEL THEM

Mark June 15, 20165:21 pm

Did Townsend suggest that Lichtsteiner would “get away with that” in Italy? I know he did at Celtic Park in 2013…27 times. So. HA!! Meanwhile, Cher skims the bar with a 25-yarder. 7-6 you say, Ian?

Edward June 15, 20165:21 pm

OH GOD A SHOT! NO HE’S SAVED IT! Great save oh no no oh my leg is twitching

Edward June 15, 20165:21 pm

I was married to Michelle Gayle for a time.

Edward June 15, 20165:22 pm

And I played for Leicester City. I tell you, they certainly didn’t win the league championship title in my time there! Probably on account of me! Ha!

Edward June 15, 20165:22 pm

RAT RAT RAT

Edward June 15, 20165:23 pm

RAT A TAT TAT, IT’S RAZVAN RAT, write that down Kenneth WRITEITDOWN write it write it can I touch you?

Mark June 15, 20165:23 pm

Or “Rats”, as Matterface calls him.

Edward June 15, 20165:24 pm

GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I GET TO WATCH THIS

Edward June 15, 20165:24 pm

MY HEART IS RACING

Edward June 15, 20165:25 pm

HHHHNNN

Mark June 15, 20165:26 pm

Chipchu “tries to curl one” but it does EVERYTHING but curl. “Dips and swerves and bounces”…14 yards wide.

Edward June 15, 20165:27 pm

CHIPSHOE

Mark June 15, 20165:27 pm

Shaqiri is playing entirely in the shade. If he plays down the left in the second half, we’ll know he’s run out of sun tan cream…

Edward June 15, 20165:27 pm

CHITCUE

Edward June 15, 20165:28 pm

I saw a butterfly earlier

Edward June 15, 20165:28 pm

OH MY WORD A SHOT FROM OPEN PLAY oh this is too much, Romania, could they do it? COULD THEY? CAN IT BE?

Edward June 15, 20165:29 pm

SONNYAND CHER

Ian June 15, 20165:30 pm

Another chance for Romania, Sapunaru’s low shot hitting the outside of the post. I am reminded of how little Kenneth Wolstenholme I know, other than the timbre and tone of his voice.

Edward June 15, 20165:31 pm

I’ve picked out two new ones. Until half time, Ian will be DAVID PLEAT and I will be JONATHAN PEARCE.

George Young June 15, 20165:31 pm

*crosses fingers for ball going anywhere near the goal line in next 15 minutes*

Edward June 15, 20165:32 pm

Some of these players here today, you wonder, why it is they’re not in the Premier League, these are some FINE players.

Mark June 15, 20165:32 pm

Sapanaru really should have made it 2-0 there. I know he’s a full-back. But eight yards out, two yards of the goal at which to aim. Turning pont?

Edward June 15, 20165:32 pm

I knew Bobby Moore.

Edward June 15, 20165:33 pm

I am fat. And old.

Ian June 15, 20165:33 pm

I am likely to spend the next fifteen minutes drawing up a list of things that I am not allowed to say.

Edward June 15, 20165:33 pm

SWITZERLAND, LINING UP THE FREE KICK BUT NO IT’S STRAIGHTINTOTHEARMSOFTHEROMANIANKEEPER

Mark June 15, 20165:34 pm

Tatarusanu positions himself to save a Rodrigues free-kick the way all goalkeepers should. Gareth Bale would be goalless if a certain Slovakian had done likewise.

Ian June 15, 20165:35 pm

Switzerland will be happy with that, but they’d be more happy if it went in.

Edward June 15, 20165:36 pm

ROMANIA BURST CLEAR DOWN THE LEFT

Edward June 15, 20165:36 pm

OH but oh, no, OK

Ian June 15, 20165:37 pm

Yellow card for Keseru. He’s a water carrier, Keseru. A hard worker, a bit of a dog… a ferret.

Edward June 15, 20165:37 pm

Switzerland’s goalkeeper, Sommer, plays for the Borussia VfL 1900 Mönchengladbach e.V. club in Germany

Mark June 15, 20165:37 pm

And he complained about his booking. Why? Just. Why???????????

Edward June 15, 20165:38 pm

ANIMATED ON THE BENCH, A LITTLE UNDER TEN MINUTES LEFT FOR SWITZERLAND BEFORE THEY’LL ONLY HAVE 45 ADDITIONAL MINUTES

Edward June 15, 20165:40 pm

DZEMAILIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII NO! WIDE! NO! THE FOOL! THE FUCKING FOOL!

Mark June 15, 20165:41 pm

Dzemaili heads wide having run 15 yards to make a mince of it from 8 yards. Townsend reckons he should have “thrown himself at it.” But if he had “thrown himself” at the ball, he’d have headed it backwards. I’m pretty sure who the “FCUKING FOOL” is here…

Mark June 15, 20165:43 pm

Is this the best first-half of the competition to date? Or was my last Tramadol tablet really strong? Or both?

Edward June 15, 20165:44 pm

There’s not been a goal for a while, and you feel, that the longer this doesn’t happen, the longer I WILL BE GROWING MORE AND MORE AUDIBLY AGITATED

Mark June 15, 20165:45 pm

Great defensive header by Lichtsteiner to stop a second goal. Unfortunately, the serial Gary Hooper fouler was attacking at the time. So HA!! Again.

Edward June 15, 20165:47 pm

HALF TIME HERE IN PARIS, THE GREAT CITY OF LOVE, WHERE THE SCORE IS ONE-LOVE TO ROMANIA

Mark June 15, 20165:47 pm

Switzerland the better side at the break but losing. Just like my favourite Gaelic Football team, Roscommon, on Sunday. Roscommon came back from miles behind to win by miles. Switzerland? I’m not so sure.

Mark June 15, 20165:52 pm

Oh..and in case anybody thinks I am bearing an unreasonable grudge against Lichtsteiner for his masterclass in Greco-Roman wrestling for Juventus against Celtic in a tie Juventus would have won anyway, even if the referee had given Celtic the loads of penalties they deserved (Celtic had Efe Ambrose at the back, after all)…then…yes..you are right.

Edward June 15, 20166:00 pm

Names are out of the hat. For the first fifteen minutes of the second half Ian will be portraying CLIVE TYLDESLEY and I will be JIM BEGLIN.

Mark June 15, 20166:02 pm

I’d be Joe Brolly if that meant anything to anybody…

Mark June 15, 20166:04 pm

You want to hear PROPER full-time analysis, google “Joe Brolly – Tell the children to play tennis” and click on the 5min 46 sec youtube clip. WONDERFUL stuff.

Ian June 15, 20166:05 pm

THAT NIGHT IN…

(hang on, where are we?)

…PARIS

Edward June 15, 20166:05 pm

Anyway, it’s the second half now, Clive

Edward June 15, 20166:06 pm

It reminds me of that night in Paris, Clive. And also the 1986 FA Cup Final.

Mark June 15, 20166:08 pm

Every time Seferovic’s name appears, I bring comic actor Peter Serafinowicz to mind. Thing is, I can far easier picture Serafinowicz scoring. Time for some Embolo, Switzerland.

Mark June 15, 20166:09 pm

“I don’t think Djourou knew much about that…” An entire career in eight words…

Edward June 15, 20166:09 pm

He’s put it wide, Clive

Ian June 15, 20166:10 pm

I remember being very satisfied with Clive Tyldesley’s pronunciation of Romanian player names at the 1994 World Cup finals, in particular “Dumitrescu.”

Edward June 15, 20166:12 pm

Hajjjjjjy

Mark June 15, 20166:12 pm

I called him CLYDE Tyldesley for years. Or was that the gorilla in Every Which Way But Loose? Or both?

Edward June 15, 20166:13 pm

WE HAVE MET CLIVE

Mark June 15, 20166:13 pm

ONE-ONE!!! The mere sight of Embolo rising from the bench was enough!!

Ian June 15, 20166:13 pm

ANNNNND IT’S A GOAL FOR SWITZERLAND! THEY’LL BE SWISS ROLLING IN THE STREETS OF ZURICH!

Edward June 15, 20166:13 pm

He is officially known, on Twohundredpercent, as “Our Mate Clive”.

Ian June 15, 20166:13 pm

See also: Gerry Harrison.

Edward June 15, 20166:13 pm

The ball’s popped up in front of him, Clive, and he’s put it in the goal.

Mark June 15, 20166:15 pm

Only one winner here. And that’s football. Clive.

Mark June 15, 20166:16 pm

My word, Shaqiri looks tubby when he bends down to pull up his socks.

Edward June 15, 20166:17 pm

He’s gone to the breakfast buffet, and he’s filled his plate, Clive.

Edward June 15, 20166:18 pm

HAT TIME: for the next 15 minutes, Ian will be DAVID COLEMAN (god help us) and I will be GLENN HODDLE

Mark June 15, 20166:19 pm

So “Goals pay the rent and Seferovic does his share?” No. Me neither.

Edward June 15, 20166:19 pm

It’s been an attritional game today. Like we are having to endure it, for some past transgression.

Edward June 15, 20166:20 pm

Still, as Eileen said to me, it’s never the square ones that gets you, and there’s a lot of simple truth in that

Mark June 15, 20166:21 pm

Seferovic’s on-field hell is over. Its Embolo time. And a number of Premier League cluibs are looking at him. So he MUST be good. I mean, if Sunderland want you, who doesn’t?

Edward June 15, 20166:21 pm

I don’t think much of Sweden’s kit, David

Ian June 15, 20166:21 pm

I’ll tell you this much. David Coleman doesn’t have to change shitty nappies in the middle of matches.

Mark June 15, 20166:23 pm

He often commentated like he did…

Anyway…”Goals pay the rent and Embolo does his share.” Yes, that’s about right.

Edward June 15, 20166:23 pm

If he did, you can be sure he’d have let someone have it

Edward June 15, 20166:23 pm

Also, who shit their nappy?

Mark June 15, 20166:24 pm

Not me. Not this time.

Mark June 15, 20166:25 pm

Embolo “doesn’t get enough purchase” on a free header. Matterface obviously got Brian Moore out of the hat sometime in the last 15 minutes.

Edward June 15, 20166:26 pm

The lad Embolo, for such a talented young lad, he’s missed the target with that header, and he’ll be disappointed. He may find himself soul searching, asking “why did that happen to me?”. I hope the kid finds answers, I really do.

Mark June 15, 20166:28 pm

Good Sommer save from a terrific Torje free-kick. Roberto Carlos-esque, I thought. The Tramadol kicking in? Or a wonky telly? Or both?

Mark June 15, 20166:32 pm

Shaqiri’s legs “aren’t long enough” to try an overhead kick, says Townsend. Talk us through that one Andy… Actually, no. Don’t. Mind you, Shaqiri SHOULD “have done better there.” Clive.

Mark June 15, 20166:34 pm

Dzemaili volleys spectacularly over from a good position. Townsend doesn’t claim his legs weren’t long enough to do that. Correctly.

Edward June 15, 20166:36 pm

FOR THE FINAL 15 MINUTES, Ian will be HUGH JOHNS and I will be MARK LAWRENSON

Edward June 15, 20166:36 pm

Sigh.

Mark June 15, 20166:37 pm

Should have cheated there, Edward.

Ian June 15, 20166:37 pm

*Lights pipe*

Edward June 15, 20166:38 pm

Well. This has been a pulsating game, hasn’t it.

Mark June 15, 20166:40 pm

Romanian substitute Andone has a yellow bandage on his right wrist. I have never seen a yellow bandage before. Can’t be much of a market for that outside of yellow shirted footballers.

Mark June 15, 20166:41 pm

Or have I had black and white telly for too long? Or both?

Edward June 15, 20166:41 pm

Yellow bandage. Wonders will never cease. I knew Tom Finney. Tom, I called him.

Mark June 15, 20166:42 pm

Both sides wanting to win this, although neither might need to. Unless Albania are better than they looked for much of Saturday.

Edward June 15, 20166:44 pm

God I’m bored.

Mark June 15, 20166:44 pm

Sorry. I’m doing my best.

Mark June 15, 20166:48 pm

Shaqiri substituted, for having inappropriately short legs, presumably. They think a point is enough…and a certainty. They are right.

Mark June 15, 20166:50 pm

Embolo booked for slipping over on YET ANOTHER over-watered pitch.

Mark June 15, 20166:52 pm

Which ends proceedings. Switzerland all but through. Romania need to beat Albania to qualify. Both sets of fans should be happy. Sort of. As am I after that decent-ish game.

Mark June 15, 20166:54 pm

Adequacy pays the rent at this tournament. And Switzerland have done their share.

Mark June 15, 20166:58 pm

So. Griezmann and Pogba BOTH out of the French starting line-up. You’d imagine there’s been a bust-up in the French camp, if the concept didn’t seem so outrageous…

Coming up soon…live blogged on 200%…