Euro 2016: Romania vs Switzerland… Live!
by Ian | Jun 15, 2016
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Hello. Let’s be our spirit animal. For this afternoon’s live blog, Ian and I will be assuming the personality of a noted TV commentator or co-commentator in order to describe the action. We’ll be drawing a new pair of names out every 15 minutes or so, and will try to keep the relevant names in view. So as to AVOID CONFUSING YOU, THE READER.
Anyway, if there’s any reason not to be sad that another couple of hours of your life are about to ebb away, it is surely that you won’t have to sit through Switzerland v Romania again. It’s hard to get excited in the least, I’m honest enough to say. And I will admit, I am hoping that downplaying it so might hex it into life. It won’t now, though, will it? Or will it? No.
Team news me:
ROMANIA Tatarusanu, Sapunaru, Chiriches, Grigore, Rat, Prepelita, Pintilii, Torje, Stancu, Chipciu, Keseru.
SWITZERLAND Sommer, Lichsteiner, Schar, Djourou, Rodriguez, Behrami, Xhaka, Shaqiri, Dzemaili, Mehmedi, Sefarovic.
Evening all. From a 50-year-old man who FELL ASLEEP during the opening few minutes of Russia v Slovakia and decided after 31 minutes that “this is the first 0-0, and even if its not, I’m not bothering.” So. Believe EVERYTHING I type tonight. Every word.
Two comments from Edward’s marvellous coverage of Slovakia’s win. First, the Beeb MUST be in Paris, or else they’re flying Danny Murphy across the channel and back far too often for the good of our licence fee. And, vitally, there’s another key similarity between Gabby Logan and Lee Harvey Oswald. She wasn’t in the book depository either…BOOOM (with thanks to the late, great Bill Hicks).
Well, I have to say that Mr. Hicks and I have always differed on the Kennedy Assassination.
Good afternoon, all. Romania vs Switzerland, which I am certain is going to finish 7-6 to someone.
A reminder that the Romanian national anthem sounds EXACTLY like you imagined it would.
Anyway, time to draw our characters. For the next 15 minutes, Ian will be essaying the role of…BARRY DAVIES. I have drawn out… TREVOR BROOKING.
*Puts on tweed jacket*
*Sews leather elbow patches on*
Anyone else wanting to join in, I can draw out additional names. And I played for West Ham.
I’m confused. So Edward, you are saying Gabby Logan WAS in the book depository…? Oh, will someone end that McCoist/Kamara ad for sticking index fingers somewhere (I’ve not concentrated until the end of the ad yet). I have a feeling that Switzerland will win in style this evening. I am, however, on VERY strong pain killers…
Can I just be me? And can Andy Townsend be…QUIET???????????????????
Still, it’s a lovely day, perfect for a game of football.
I am not a good choice as commentator this afternoon, by the way. My son is having a screeching session and I can barely hear what’s actually going on in the stadium.
Like Barry Davies (presumably), I have been to Parc des Princes.
On one hand, I’m expecting Romania to win, but on the other hand, Switzerland for me.
I like this lad Seferovic, he’s got a lot of promise, but then that’s not to say that all players are equally as good. Or maybe even better. Or a bit worse.
I quite like Sam Matterface as a commentator but it is still disconcerting to hear him a day before Thursday and not on ITV4. Oh…and the only baby having a screeching session in my house is…me…
Haven’t both teams got colourful kits?
Everything is for the best, in this best of all possible worlds.
The national flag of Romania is a tricolor with vertical stripes. According to the Constitution of Romania, the colors are arranged vertically, in the following order from the flagpole: blue, yellow, red. These colours represent Liberty (sky-blue), Justice (field yellow) and Fraternity (blood red).
It’s a good flag, too, Barry. I like it as much as I like many other flags.
Tell us about that time you scored with a header for the only time in your career, Trevor.
Switzerland are keeping the ball, just like Ron Greenwood always used to preach.
Oh well, it’s famous now, but no I wasn’t that prolific with my head, on balance.
Well, I think the Switzerland goalkeeper’s gloves are rather unnecessary.
Seferovic “did all the hard work” with a neat turn in the box but shot as wide as you’d expect someone to who hasn’t scored this calendar year.
Certainly, in my day, goalkeepers didn’t get the protection they do now, Barry. Mervyn Day was made of stern stuff. But modern goalkeepers are good too.
Most commentators I know always sound at a higher pitch in their commentaries from years back. Andy Townsend sounds like his 2006 self tonight. Hope its not the onset of laryngitis. I really do…
(I’ve got one Barry Davies line in reserve, and it really needs a goal to be scored to be of any use)
Goalkeepers tend to punch the ball more now
(oh for fuck’s sake, Townsend JUST SAID THAT. Self-satirising, that’s what they are)
(By the way, I’m willing to bet I know Ian’s Barry Davies line. It will be “and you have to say it’s been coming” or suchlike.)
Have we had to conversation about when it went from being spelt “Rumania” to “Romania” yet? I know it was after the 1982 World Cup qualifying draw, because I’ve seen a photograph from that where it’s spelt that way.
Romania defending as if 0-0 won’t entirely louse up their tournament. Almost as if they know Seferovic is going to miss time and again…like that…
Goodness me, a disappointing finish from Shaqiri. Shot blocked by Tatarusanu’s legs.
If he aimed at the keeper’s bootlaces he couldn’t have hit them squarer.
I have drawn out new commentators. For the next 15 minutes, Ian is KENNETH WOLSTONHOLME and I am MARK BRIGHT.
(Another) penno for Romania. That was on the cards.
Wait, ah yes.
Hang on. Penalty to Romania. Shirt-tugging. It wasn’t like this in my day.
And Stanku doesn’t stink from the spot… Oh, come on, that’s WAY better than “Stank you very much” (Matterface).
EEEEEEEEEE MMMMnnnn GGGG GGOOOL GOAL! Great finish! Cool knewwhereHEWASGOINGTO Oh oh my
I don’t speak much German but I believe the Swiss commentator just shouted “WHAT WAS LICHTSTEINER DOING?” and then started 4 sentences without finsihing any (presumably trying not to swear) before giving up and shouting ARGH.
THEY’VE HAD TWO PENALTIES THIS TOURNAMENT, THEY’VE SCORED THEM BOTH, THAT’S A GOOD STRIKE RATE
Penalty converted by Stancu, about whom I was going to type “Stancu very much” at the very moment that Sammatterface (whose full name can only ever be pronouced as one word) said it. Sent the goalkeeper completely the wrong way. If he can turn on tricks like that, they ought to have him on the music hall, etc.
KENNETH TELL US ABOUT THE PAST KENNETH
God I’m excited
OH FEEL MY NIPPLES, FEEL THEM
Did Townsend suggest that Lichtsteiner would “get away with that” in Italy? I know he did at Celtic Park in 2013…27 times. So. HA!! Meanwhile, Cher skims the bar with a 25-yarder. 7-6 you say, Ian?
OH GOD A SHOT! NO HE’S SAVED IT! Great save oh no no oh my leg is twitching
I was married to Michelle Gayle for a time.
And I played for Leicester City. I tell you, they certainly didn’t win the league championship title in my time there! Probably on account of me! Ha!
RAT RAT RAT
RAT A TAT TAT, IT’S RAZVAN RAT, write that down Kenneth WRITEITDOWN write it write it can I touch you?
Or “Rats”, as Matterface calls him.
GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I GET TO WATCH THIS
MY HEART IS RACING
Chipchu “tries to curl one” but it does EVERYTHING but curl. “Dips and swerves and bounces”…14 yards wide.
Shaqiri is playing entirely in the shade. If he plays down the left in the second half, we’ll know he’s run out of sun tan cream…
I saw a butterfly earlier
OH MY WORD A SHOT FROM OPEN PLAY oh this is too much, Romania, could they do it? COULD THEY? CAN IT BE?
Another chance for Romania, Sapunaru’s low shot hitting the outside of the post. I am reminded of how little Kenneth Wolstenholme I know, other than the timbre and tone of his voice.
I’ve picked out two new ones. Until half time, Ian will be DAVID PLEAT and I will be JONATHAN PEARCE.
*crosses fingers for ball going anywhere near the goal line in next 15 minutes*
Some of these players here today, you wonder, why it is they’re not in the Premier League, these are some FINE players.
Sapanaru really should have made it 2-0 there. I know he’s a full-back. But eight yards out, two yards of the goal at which to aim. Turning pont?
I knew Bobby Moore.
I am fat. And old.
I am likely to spend the next fifteen minutes drawing up a list of things that I am not allowed to say.
SWITZERLAND, LINING UP THE FREE KICK BUT NO IT’S STRAIGHTINTOTHEARMSOFTHEROMANIANKEEPER
Tatarusanu positions himself to save a Rodrigues free-kick the way all goalkeepers should. Gareth Bale would be goalless if a certain Slovakian had done likewise.
Switzerland will be happy with that, but they’d be more happy if it went in.
ROMANIA BURST CLEAR DOWN THE LEFT
OH but oh, no, OK
Yellow card for Keseru. He’s a water carrier, Keseru. A hard worker, a bit of a dog… a ferret.
Switzerland’s goalkeeper, Sommer, plays for the Borussia VfL 1900 Mönchengladbach e.V. club in Germany
And he complained about his booking. Why? Just. Why???????????
ANIMATED ON THE BENCH, A LITTLE UNDER TEN MINUTES LEFT FOR SWITZERLAND BEFORE THEY’LL ONLY HAVE 45 ADDITIONAL MINUTES
DZEMAILIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII NO! WIDE! NO! THE FOOL! THE FUCKING FOOL!
Dzemaili heads wide having run 15 yards to make a mince of it from 8 yards. Townsend reckons he should have “thrown himself at it.” But if he had “thrown himself” at the ball, he’d have headed it backwards. I’m pretty sure who the “FCUKING FOOL” is here…
Is this the best first-half of the competition to date? Or was my last Tramadol tablet really strong? Or both?
There’s not been a goal for a while, and you feel, that the longer this doesn’t happen, the longer I WILL BE GROWING MORE AND MORE AUDIBLY AGITATED
Great defensive header by Lichtsteiner to stop a second goal. Unfortunately, the serial Gary Hooper fouler was attacking at the time. So HA!! Again.
HALF TIME HERE IN PARIS, THE GREAT CITY OF LOVE, WHERE THE SCORE IS ONE-LOVE TO ROMANIA
Switzerland the better side at the break but losing. Just like my favourite Gaelic Football team, Roscommon, on Sunday. Roscommon came back from miles behind to win by miles. Switzerland? I’m not so sure.
Oh..and in case anybody thinks I am bearing an unreasonable grudge against Lichtsteiner for his masterclass in Greco-Roman wrestling for Juventus against Celtic in a tie Juventus would have won anyway, even if the referee had given Celtic the loads of penalties they deserved (Celtic had Efe Ambrose at the back, after all)…then…yes..you are right.
Names are out of the hat. For the first fifteen minutes of the second half Ian will be portraying CLIVE TYLDESLEY and I will be JIM BEGLIN.
I’d be Joe Brolly if that meant anything to anybody…
You want to hear PROPER full-time analysis, google “Joe Brolly – Tell the children to play tennis” and click on the 5min 46 sec youtube clip. WONDERFUL stuff.
THAT NIGHT IN…
(hang on, where are we?)
Anyway, it’s the second half now, Clive
It reminds me of that night in Paris, Clive. And also the 1986 FA Cup Final.
Every time Seferovic’s name appears, I bring comic actor Peter Serafinowicz to mind. Thing is, I can far easier picture Serafinowicz scoring. Time for some Embolo, Switzerland.
“I don’t think Djourou knew much about that…” An entire career in eight words…
He’s put it wide, Clive
I remember being very satisfied with Clive Tyldesley’s pronunciation of Romanian player names at the 1994 World Cup finals, in particular “Dumitrescu.”
I called him CLYDE Tyldesley for years. Or was that the gorilla in Every Which Way But Loose? Or both?
WE HAVE MET CLIVE
ONE-ONE!!! The mere sight of Embolo rising from the bench was enough!!
ANNNNND IT’S A GOAL FOR SWITZERLAND! THEY’LL BE SWISS ROLLING IN THE STREETS OF ZURICH!
He is officially known, on Twohundredpercent, as “Our Mate Clive”.
See also: Gerry Harrison.
The ball’s popped up in front of him, Clive, and he’s put it in the goal.
Only one winner here. And that’s football. Clive.
My word, Shaqiri looks tubby when he bends down to pull up his socks.
He’s gone to the breakfast buffet, and he’s filled his plate, Clive.
HAT TIME: for the next 15 minutes, Ian will be DAVID COLEMAN (god help us) and I will be GLENN HODDLE
So “Goals pay the rent and Seferovic does his share?” No. Me neither.
It’s been an attritional game today. Like we are having to endure it, for some past transgression.
Still, as Eileen said to me, it’s never the square ones that gets you, and there’s a lot of simple truth in that
Seferovic’s on-field hell is over. Its Embolo time. And a number of Premier League cluibs are looking at him. So he MUST be good. I mean, if Sunderland want you, who doesn’t?
I don’t think much of Sweden’s kit, David
I’ll tell you this much. David Coleman doesn’t have to change shitty nappies in the middle of matches.
He often commentated like he did…
Anyway…”Goals pay the rent and Embolo does his share.” Yes, that’s about right.
If he did, you can be sure he’d have let someone have it
Also, who shit their nappy?
Not me. Not this time.
Embolo “doesn’t get enough purchase” on a free header. Matterface obviously got Brian Moore out of the hat sometime in the last 15 minutes.
The lad Embolo, for such a talented young lad, he’s missed the target with that header, and he’ll be disappointed. He may find himself soul searching, asking “why did that happen to me?”. I hope the kid finds answers, I really do.
Good Sommer save from a terrific Torje free-kick. Roberto Carlos-esque, I thought. The Tramadol kicking in? Or a wonky telly? Or both?
Shaqiri’s legs “aren’t long enough” to try an overhead kick, says Townsend. Talk us through that one Andy… Actually, no. Don’t. Mind you, Shaqiri SHOULD “have done better there.” Clive.
Dzemaili volleys spectacularly over from a good position. Townsend doesn’t claim his legs weren’t long enough to do that. Correctly.
FOR THE FINAL 15 MINUTES, Ian will be HUGH JOHNS and I will be MARK LAWRENSON
Should have cheated there, Edward.
Well. This has been a pulsating game, hasn’t it.
Romanian substitute Andone has a yellow bandage on his right wrist. I have never seen a yellow bandage before. Can’t be much of a market for that outside of yellow shirted footballers.
Or have I had black and white telly for too long? Or both?
Yellow bandage. Wonders will never cease. I knew Tom Finney. Tom, I called him.
Both sides wanting to win this, although neither might need to. Unless Albania are better than they looked for much of Saturday.
God I’m bored.
Sorry. I’m doing my best.
Shaqiri substituted, for having inappropriately short legs, presumably. They think a point is enough…and a certainty. They are right.
Embolo booked for slipping over on YET ANOTHER over-watered pitch.
Which ends proceedings. Switzerland all but through. Romania need to beat Albania to qualify. Both sets of fans should be happy. Sort of. As am I after that decent-ish game.
Adequacy pays the rent at this tournament. And Switzerland have done their share.
So. Griezmann and Pogba BOTH out of the French starting line-up. You’d imagine there’s been a bust-up in the French camp, if the concept didn’t seem so outrageous…
Coming up soon…live blogged on 200%…