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The big news from the Premier League’s opening week has surely been Newcastle’s loveable midfielder Joey Barton’s pledge to not shave off his moustache until his club win their first league match of the season. Even though the Magpies are kicking off with tough games against Manchester United and Aston Villa, it’s unlikely that the results of this wager are going to cause much long-term harm to the north-east’s barber shop economy. However, in the spirit of scientific enquiry, we wondered what might happen should this early season pledge be taken any further.

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