Exiting from administration might prove to be more painful than Crystal Palace supporters than they had at first expected after plans were leaked today over the proposed take-over of the club by music producer and clothes designer Sean “Diddy” Combs earlier today. Combs is said to have been looking to invest in English football for some time and had considered Portsmouth as well as Crystal Palace, who are currently fighting a desperate bid to retain their place in the top two divisions of English football, a record that they have held since 1977. The club was involved in the scramble for a place in the play-offs in the Championship, but a ten point deduction after they were put into administration last month coupled with a poor run of form after the departure of manager Neil Warnock for Queens Park Rangers shortly afterwards.
The club has been up for sale since it was forced into administration, but Combs emerged as an unlikely buyer for the club last month. It was said that he had considered Portsmouth and Palace but has expressed a preference for Palace because of its closer proximity to Central London and because he “liked the name” of the club. Details have now been leaked of how he intends to save Palace and rebrand them, according to sources close to him, “to bring them into the twenty-first century, y’all”. Combs will purchase the club outright from the administrator and seek to establish it on a more even financial level. It is understood, however, that his plans to reinvogorate the club’s image may not be to the taste of the more traditionalist element of the clubs support. These include:
- Personally designing the club’s kit for the next season, with a radical new look that will include a mink fur-lined collar, as well as sapphires and rubies (to represent the club’s blue and red colours).
- Remixing the club’s anthem, “Glad All Over” (which was originally recorded in the 1960s by The Dave Clarke Five) to include what sources close to him describe as “phat beats, with “phat” spelt with a “ph” for extra “phat”ness” and extra “flava”).
- Renaming the club – current suggestions include “Cristal Pallisss”, “Crizzle Palizzle” and “Crizzle ma Pazzle”.
- Renaming Selhurst Park as “Selhurst Hood”, on the basis that, according to his aides, “It will bring all the boys to the yard. PSYCH.”.
- Changing the club’s nickname. Palace have been known as “The Eagles” since the late 1970s, but prior to this as “The Glaziers”. Combs plans to allude to this by changing the club’s nickname to “The Chandeliers”.
- Eliminating the position of Team Manager and replacing it with the position of “Ghetto Pimp Master”, with the new “Ghetto Pimp Master” sitting on a throne suspended over the centre spot rather than on the bench with the rest of the club staff. The shortlist includes for this proposed new position include Phil Brown, Glen Roeder and The Ghost Of Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
No-one from Crystal Palace was available for comment this evening. In the absence of any official comment from the club, Twohundredpercent contacted celebrity Palace supporter Roger de Courcey (of Roger de Courcey & Nookie Bear fame), who said, “Obviously, we would all be concerned if the traditions and heritage of Crystal Palace FC were to be compromised by such rumours. However, since the above statements are clearly nothing more than an apparently random assortment of rap cliches that have been mixed with some appalling Palace-related puns. I mean, for God’s sake, I think one of them might be Ant & Dec”.
Additional reporting by Kate “The Full Jagger” Porter & Ed “Bites Yer Legs” Divkins