Our resident pencil wrangler Dotmund was very excited about the prospect of Uruguay playing the Netherlands. However, we at Twohundredpercent have noticed that some of his match reports during the tournament have been somewhat lacking in the factual department. As such, we sent hm off with an I-Spy fact sheet so that he could accurately record match events as they happened. This morning he returned with the results. Sadly, they left much to be desired.
To fill the void caused by the World Cup rest days before the quarter-finals (I’ve never fully worked out if the rest is for us or them), over the next two days here on Twohundredpercent our writers have been looking at where they thought it all went wrong for England this summer. This will be immediately followed by shooting some fish in a barrel. First up is Dotmund, wondering whether or not things would or could have been better with an English coach.
Even at these times of sport’s saturation of the television schedules, the endless search for a new hit sitcom goes on at apace. Yet again, instead of closely watching the game for tactical nuance or pointers for later performances, our crayon-chewing art specialist Dotmund has considered the possibility of the two – sport and sitcoms – not having to be mutually exclusive. In so doing, he has certainly proved something, although it is possibly in better taste not to consider what that might specifically be. Still, keep an eye out for new loveable characters and hilarious catchphrases that will be the talk of the office watercooler in the weeks to come.
It’s Thursday, which means it’s time for more from the studios of Clack TV and Mungo in Africa. Today, anchorman Ron Bongo, Glasgow Paisley boss Henny Jings and Heart of Clachmaninshire’s own Mungo McCrackas get stuck in to some serious analysis of England’s progress through the group stages, with predictably insightful results.
Twelve years ago, at their own World Cup finals, France comfortably beat South Africa in their opening group game, going on to become the sixth nation to win the tournament at home. Today South Africa became the first hosts in the 80-year history of the competition to fall at the first hurdle, but their blushes were somewhat spared with this spirited display against an abject French side in their last game under Raymond Domenech. Twelve years is a long time in football.
The part-timers from Honduras took on the mighty European champions Spain with it all at stake: a loss for the Spanish side would see the tournament favourites eliminated at the first hurdle. What could possibly happen? Well, naturally enough, Spain won at a canter. However comfortable the performance, though, the margin of victory could yet cause some furrowed brows and frenzied abacus work come this Friday evening’s Group H deciders.
The German side who sparked this World Cup into life with their 4-0 win over Australia, a German side so effortlessly impressive that they brought all the very best paranoid and stereotypical utterances about “Ze Germans” out of the normally *cough* very reserved and neutral British press, were back in action today. But you’d have had to be a very brave man, or a very proud Serb, to have seen this. In fact, although Serbia were much improved on their opening performance against Ghana, it’s difficult to believe it happened.
As the second group matches begin, results start to become critical and that calls for creative and incisive punditry from the inhabitants of the television studios. Sadly, Clack TV have appointed Mungo McCrackas, the Biblically-useless centre forward from Heart of Clachmaninshire FC. That’s not to say he doesn’t have some ideas of his own to put the story across, but it’s growing increasingly apparent to anchor Ron Bongo that Mungo might be an idiot.