Michael Owen – This Space Available To Rent

At the 1983 British General Election, Labour were almost wiped from the electoral map by a Conservative Party high on the fumes of their peculiar war with Argentina in the South Atlantic. Afterwards, their election manifesto was famously described by the Shadow Home Secretary Gerald Kaufman as “the longest suicide note in history”. For some reason, this little historical titbit sprang to mind when it became public earlier this week that Michael Owen’s management company has sent out a brochure to Premier League clubs after he failed to land himself a new contract in the first few weeks of the summer break. By all accounts (and we’re having to go on tantalising scraps at the moment, as the brochure has not as yet been leaked onto the internet in full) it’s a thirty-four page glossy extravaganza, and the very fact that it exists at all is a such a fantastic teaser that is almost unbearable. How much, dear reader, would you love to read “Michael Owen – The Catalogue”? Primarily, there is the small matter of how exactly you sell a striker earning £105,000 per week who has scored just twenty-six goals in four years. Perhaps he’s willing to take a pay cut to £70,000 per week or £80,000 per week. After all, this may be the tipping point for clubs deciding whether he’s likely to offer value for...

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